Monday:
So I didn't mention that last night I had a temporary partial paralysis episode. That was fun. Luckily, I was skyping my boyfriend at the time so if I needed help he could call my friend across the hall. Basically, my whole body refused to move. I couldn't even really talk, just make noises that sounded like words. Eventually, I could move my fingers and feet, and I realized my door was locked and Morgan couldn't help me if she wanted to. So I champed it out, and used my fingers to grab things and maneuver my arms and moved my feet around to maneuver my legs. Eventually, I pulled myself up and was able to army crawl/wiggle to the door, pull myself up, and unlock it. Then I somehow got back into bed. That was impressive. My limbs just all felt really heavy. It was like my joints could work but they didn't want to because of all the effort because my body was HEAVY. But eventually all my movement came back. Speech, then arms, then trunk, then legs.
Today was basically another tic fest, I had a horrible day and couldn't concentrate on anything Even if I wanted to, my eye rolling tic wouldn't let me. awesome.
Tuesday:
Today I had a stats test and my tics mostly behaved, which is awesome! Also side effect alert: WEIRD DREAMS. I don't usually remember my dreams but I have been and they've been strange...
First full-word vocal tic: Baguette. yup, baguette. why? I have no idea. I think it was coincidence, because my main syllable tics are "baa" "geh" and "t." So it turned into baguette, with a weird inflection.
Wednesday:
Had a mental breakdown late last night. Wanted to pull my hair out and tear things off the walls and break things. It was just...bad. Really, really bad. I called my boyfriend and calmed down quickly after talking to him though, so I guess that's a positive, because usually nothing can calm me down.
Today was an okay day. Morning class was a tic fest and my neck really hurts, but after that they calmed down and were fairly mild the rest of the day.
Thursday:
Tics were really mild most of the day. Got really bad around 5 or so. Felt fine until I got some bad news about my classes next year, then was in an angry/depressed state the rest of the night. Several mini panic attacks/staring episodes.
Friday:
Felt totally fine, tics were minimal, just really tired. Maybe my body's almost adjusted?
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Effexor and Clonazepam: Week 1
Monday:
I took the effexor at about 7:50. It says to take with food but I'd rather not lug around my pill bottle all day so I take it right before I leave for breakfast. I wasn't that hungry this morning...
I was super drowsy today. It was the first day of Statistics. I had a hard time staying awake. My tics have become really mild though, and I don't really notice them much until later in the evening. I'm not nauseous and I haven't had a headache, so that's good. Those are my most common side effects.
Tuesday:
I slept so well last night! Thanks to the clonazepam. The drowsiness doesn't seem to go away. I slept 8 hours last night, fell asleep in stats, took a nap during lunch break, fell asleep in stats, napped afterwards, and was still tired. I'm feeling really "out of it" and I'm still ticcing. It's a nice break because my tics aren't constant, but when they do happen it's in spurts. I like to call these "tic fits" and they're sometimes more painful than normal tics. Not sure the trade-off is worth it...
Wednesday:
Feeling a lot less drowsy, but had a 20 minute tic fit today! It probably looked like a seizure. I shook my arms and legs and my eyes kept rolling back. That was painful and exhausting. But outside of class the tics seem pretty under control.
Thursday and Friday:
Vocal tics are really bad, but tics in general seem to be settling down...but oh, so so so sleepy. I sleep every chance I get...
Saturday and Sunday:
TIC FEST. They were so painful I cried from about 8 pm until I fell asleep on Saturday. Started way earlier on Sunday than usual. Usually, the bad tic fits don't start until after dinner...today I didn't even want to leave my room because they were so persistent and painful. Couldn't do my homework because of my eye rolling tic. Vocal tics are ever-developing. They used to be squeaks and sounds but are now syllables, mostly "ha" "pa" "ga" "beh" and a "ck" sound.
I took the effexor at about 7:50. It says to take with food but I'd rather not lug around my pill bottle all day so I take it right before I leave for breakfast. I wasn't that hungry this morning...
I was super drowsy today. It was the first day of Statistics. I had a hard time staying awake. My tics have become really mild though, and I don't really notice them much until later in the evening. I'm not nauseous and I haven't had a headache, so that's good. Those are my most common side effects.
Tuesday:
I slept so well last night! Thanks to the clonazepam. The drowsiness doesn't seem to go away. I slept 8 hours last night, fell asleep in stats, took a nap during lunch break, fell asleep in stats, napped afterwards, and was still tired. I'm feeling really "out of it" and I'm still ticcing. It's a nice break because my tics aren't constant, but when they do happen it's in spurts. I like to call these "tic fits" and they're sometimes more painful than normal tics. Not sure the trade-off is worth it...
Wednesday:
Feeling a lot less drowsy, but had a 20 minute tic fit today! It probably looked like a seizure. I shook my arms and legs and my eyes kept rolling back. That was painful and exhausting. But outside of class the tics seem pretty under control.
Thursday and Friday:
Vocal tics are really bad, but tics in general seem to be settling down...but oh, so so so sleepy. I sleep every chance I get...
Saturday and Sunday:
TIC FEST. They were so painful I cried from about 8 pm until I fell asleep on Saturday. Started way earlier on Sunday than usual. Usually, the bad tic fits don't start until after dinner...today I didn't even want to leave my room because they were so persistent and painful. Couldn't do my homework because of my eye rolling tic. Vocal tics are ever-developing. They used to be squeaks and sounds but are now syllables, mostly "ha" "pa" "ga" "beh" and a "ck" sound.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Changing medications!
Huzzah, I'm changing meds again! In the past month or so, the Paxil has not been nice to me. I've had severe nausea, headaches, and a huge rise in tics, adding to more pain. So we switched. I need to log my days, so this is where I'll do it.
I now take two medications instead of one. I take Venlafaxine HCL (generic Effexor) in the morning with breakfast and Clonazepam before bed. The Effexor is mainly for anxiety, although I have had some intense depressive episodes as well, so hopefully those will be curbed. The Clonazepam is to help me sleep (I've had some intense insomnia lately) and hopefully make my tics settle down. I'll be logging the time I take each and if I take it with anything. Each night I'll also log a brief overview of my day and how my symptoms were. I'm going to start tomorrow, because I added Clonazepam on Friday and switched to Effexor on Saturday, and I know I need a day or two to adjust before I make a judgement.
Again, this isn't to promote a drug. It's mostly for my own good, because I need to track side effects, and I always lose my journals. But I know people read these, so I try to make it conversational. =]
I now take two medications instead of one. I take Venlafaxine HCL (generic Effexor) in the morning with breakfast and Clonazepam before bed. The Effexor is mainly for anxiety, although I have had some intense depressive episodes as well, so hopefully those will be curbed. The Clonazepam is to help me sleep (I've had some intense insomnia lately) and hopefully make my tics settle down. I'll be logging the time I take each and if I take it with anything. Each night I'll also log a brief overview of my day and how my symptoms were. I'm going to start tomorrow, because I added Clonazepam on Friday and switched to Effexor on Saturday, and I know I need a day or two to adjust before I make a judgement.
Again, this isn't to promote a drug. It's mostly for my own good, because I need to track side effects, and I always lose my journals. But I know people read these, so I try to make it conversational. =]
Monday, August 13, 2012
8/13/12: Depression
Yesterday was a really interesting day for me. I woke up at 10, had no motivation to leave my bed, went back to sleep, and woke up at 1, again with no motivation to get up and moving.
I literally stayed in bed until almost 5:30, when I was essentially forced into getting up to eat dinner with my family. Eat! haha. Yeah, right. More like push food around and take a couple bites to appease the parental units. Then back to bed.
It was the strangest sensation, this bout. I haven't felt that way in years, not since losing my baby. But this was different. There was no rhyme or reason. I just wanted to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and maybe cry a little. It hurt to move, it was too much effort. And I had no idea why! Maybe because my boyfriend mentioned his friend's daughter's first birthday is coming up? Isaac would be almost 2 now, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I can't imagine how different my life would be with him in it. Realistically, I probably would have stayed with his father, though now I realize that he was borderline abusive and that wouldn't have been healthy. Would I have ever started this relationship with Andrew? That's what I think about most. I hope so. I think he'd be a good father figure for my son.
But that's life. It obviously was meant to be this way, and I'm as happy as I possibly could be about it.
I literally stayed in bed until almost 5:30, when I was essentially forced into getting up to eat dinner with my family. Eat! haha. Yeah, right. More like push food around and take a couple bites to appease the parental units. Then back to bed.
It was the strangest sensation, this bout. I haven't felt that way in years, not since losing my baby. But this was different. There was no rhyme or reason. I just wanted to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and maybe cry a little. It hurt to move, it was too much effort. And I had no idea why! Maybe because my boyfriend mentioned his friend's daughter's first birthday is coming up? Isaac would be almost 2 now, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I can't imagine how different my life would be with him in it. Realistically, I probably would have stayed with his father, though now I realize that he was borderline abusive and that wouldn't have been healthy. Would I have ever started this relationship with Andrew? That's what I think about most. I hope so. I think he'd be a good father figure for my son.
But that's life. It obviously was meant to be this way, and I'm as happy as I possibly could be about it.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
6/27/12: Meds!
Oh goodness! There's quite a large break here. Still not used to this whole blogging thing...but I'm trying! Let's see...I switched medications. And dosages. I now take paxil, 10 mg. Once I go back to school I'll probably have to increase to 15mg. 10 is barely working out for the summer....
Now don't think I'm repping drugs because of this...
Zoloft did its job. It worked really well for my anxiety, and eliminated all the excess (you know, the "disorder" part, not the "normal teenager" part). But it really increased my tics. And although those are mostly just annoying, they are also very painful and difficult to live with. They interfere with my favorite activities--cheer, tumbling, theatre, and music--because I can't control them. I've gotten a concussion because I've had to tic while in a handstand. Its just not safe. Plus I had to increase my dosages every month or two. So then I switched to Paxil.
On 20mg, I was basically dead to the world. It got rid of ALL my anxiety, not just the part that classifies a disorder. I had no motivation to do anything. My grades slipped, I slacked off on my rehearsals, practices, and lessons. It was the scary type of calm. Nothing bothered me. I didn't eat, I slept all the time...It was not a good situation. But it did completly eliminate my tics.
Now I'm on 10 mg of Paxil, and for right now, it seems like a good fit. I've had one panic attack in the past two months, but it was in the adjustment period between 20 and 10, so it doesn't concern me. My tics are minor and few and far between. I have developed a new vocal tic though, which is interesting. Once I go back to school, I think 15mg will be my ideal fit. My biggest concern with Paxil is that it is known to cause birth defects. I don't intend to have children for at least a few years still, but things happen. But considering that is my biggest concern, I think I'll stick with Paxil for awhile.
Now don't think I'm repping drugs because of this...
Zoloft did its job. It worked really well for my anxiety, and eliminated all the excess (you know, the "disorder" part, not the "normal teenager" part). But it really increased my tics. And although those are mostly just annoying, they are also very painful and difficult to live with. They interfere with my favorite activities--cheer, tumbling, theatre, and music--because I can't control them. I've gotten a concussion because I've had to tic while in a handstand. Its just not safe. Plus I had to increase my dosages every month or two. So then I switched to Paxil.
On 20mg, I was basically dead to the world. It got rid of ALL my anxiety, not just the part that classifies a disorder. I had no motivation to do anything. My grades slipped, I slacked off on my rehearsals, practices, and lessons. It was the scary type of calm. Nothing bothered me. I didn't eat, I slept all the time...It was not a good situation. But it did completly eliminate my tics.
Now I'm on 10 mg of Paxil, and for right now, it seems like a good fit. I've had one panic attack in the past two months, but it was in the adjustment period between 20 and 10, so it doesn't concern me. My tics are minor and few and far between. I have developed a new vocal tic though, which is interesting. Once I go back to school, I think 15mg will be my ideal fit. My biggest concern with Paxil is that it is known to cause birth defects. I don't intend to have children for at least a few years still, but things happen. But considering that is my biggest concern, I think I'll stick with Paxil for awhile.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
4/24/12
2 years and one month ago I had a miscarriage. I was barely 16 years old.
I was almost 12 weeks along. I was just about to tell my boyfriend and my parents. But I didn't. I didn't have to. Because the baby was gone.
I decided to say he was a boy. I named him Isaac. Isaac Byrne. Sometimes, I pretend he's here. He would be 19 months old today. Happy Birthday, Darling!
I love children, but its exceedingly difficult to be around them, especially little boys around my dear baby's age. Sometimes, I cry when I see happy families with a little one.
I will never forget my Isaac, although it gets a little easier everyday.
And that is why I am pro-life. Because I didn't get to choose to have my beautiful baby boy, and I can't believe that anyone would give up that opportunity. But of course, there are extenuating circumstances, and I would never push to outlaw abortions. I just don't understand how someone could use it basically as a form of birth control.
R.I.P. Isaac Byrne. Mommy loves you so very much!
I was almost 12 weeks along. I was just about to tell my boyfriend and my parents. But I didn't. I didn't have to. Because the baby was gone.
I decided to say he was a boy. I named him Isaac. Isaac Byrne. Sometimes, I pretend he's here. He would be 19 months old today. Happy Birthday, Darling!
I love children, but its exceedingly difficult to be around them, especially little boys around my dear baby's age. Sometimes, I cry when I see happy families with a little one.
I will never forget my Isaac, although it gets a little easier everyday.
And that is why I am pro-life. Because I didn't get to choose to have my beautiful baby boy, and I can't believe that anyone would give up that opportunity. But of course, there are extenuating circumstances, and I would never push to outlaw abortions. I just don't understand how someone could use it basically as a form of birth control.
R.I.P. Isaac Byrne. Mommy loves you so very much!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
4/11/12
Today, we were discussing the effectiveness of therapies in Advanced Placement Psychology. Someone mentioned that they felt like medications were a mask, and that its ridiculous that people would take them even though they can make things worse. Personally, I think that this is total bull. Of course, I respect their opinion, but I definitely dont agree with it. Side effects from medications are rarely severe enough to outweigh the benefit of living a healthy life style. For example, prior to starting my medication, I was unable to drive, go out in public for extended periods of time, or hang out with my friends. I rarely went to a whole day of school, for crying out loud! All because of my panic attacks. And personally, I would rather be dependent on a pill that makes it possible for me to be a normally functioning human being than not be able to live my life to the fullest because of a dehibilitating panic disorder.
ERASE THE STIGMA.
ERASE THE STIGMA.
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