Yesterday was a really interesting day for me. I woke up at 10, had no motivation to leave my bed, went back to sleep, and woke up at 1, again with no motivation to get up and moving.
I literally stayed in bed until almost 5:30, when I was essentially forced into getting up to eat dinner with my family. Eat! haha. Yeah, right. More like push food around and take a couple bites to appease the parental units. Then back to bed.
It was the strangest sensation, this bout. I haven't felt that way in years, not since losing my baby. But this was different. There was no rhyme or reason. I just wanted to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and maybe cry a little. It hurt to move, it was too much effort. And I had no idea why! Maybe because my boyfriend mentioned his friend's daughter's first birthday is coming up? Isaac would be almost 2 now, I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I can't imagine how different my life would be with him in it. Realistically, I probably would have stayed with his father, though now I realize that he was borderline abusive and that wouldn't have been healthy. Would I have ever started this relationship with Andrew? That's what I think about most. I hope so. I think he'd be a good father figure for my son.
But that's life. It obviously was meant to be this way, and I'm as happy as I possibly could be about it.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
6/27/12: Meds!
Oh goodness! There's quite a large break here. Still not used to this whole blogging thing...but I'm trying! Let's see...I switched medications. And dosages. I now take paxil, 10 mg. Once I go back to school I'll probably have to increase to 15mg. 10 is barely working out for the summer....
Now don't think I'm repping drugs because of this...
Zoloft did its job. It worked really well for my anxiety, and eliminated all the excess (you know, the "disorder" part, not the "normal teenager" part). But it really increased my tics. And although those are mostly just annoying, they are also very painful and difficult to live with. They interfere with my favorite activities--cheer, tumbling, theatre, and music--because I can't control them. I've gotten a concussion because I've had to tic while in a handstand. Its just not safe. Plus I had to increase my dosages every month or two. So then I switched to Paxil.
On 20mg, I was basically dead to the world. It got rid of ALL my anxiety, not just the part that classifies a disorder. I had no motivation to do anything. My grades slipped, I slacked off on my rehearsals, practices, and lessons. It was the scary type of calm. Nothing bothered me. I didn't eat, I slept all the time...It was not a good situation. But it did completly eliminate my tics.
Now I'm on 10 mg of Paxil, and for right now, it seems like a good fit. I've had one panic attack in the past two months, but it was in the adjustment period between 20 and 10, so it doesn't concern me. My tics are minor and few and far between. I have developed a new vocal tic though, which is interesting. Once I go back to school, I think 15mg will be my ideal fit. My biggest concern with Paxil is that it is known to cause birth defects. I don't intend to have children for at least a few years still, but things happen. But considering that is my biggest concern, I think I'll stick with Paxil for awhile.
Now don't think I'm repping drugs because of this...
Zoloft did its job. It worked really well for my anxiety, and eliminated all the excess (you know, the "disorder" part, not the "normal teenager" part). But it really increased my tics. And although those are mostly just annoying, they are also very painful and difficult to live with. They interfere with my favorite activities--cheer, tumbling, theatre, and music--because I can't control them. I've gotten a concussion because I've had to tic while in a handstand. Its just not safe. Plus I had to increase my dosages every month or two. So then I switched to Paxil.
On 20mg, I was basically dead to the world. It got rid of ALL my anxiety, not just the part that classifies a disorder. I had no motivation to do anything. My grades slipped, I slacked off on my rehearsals, practices, and lessons. It was the scary type of calm. Nothing bothered me. I didn't eat, I slept all the time...It was not a good situation. But it did completly eliminate my tics.
Now I'm on 10 mg of Paxil, and for right now, it seems like a good fit. I've had one panic attack in the past two months, but it was in the adjustment period between 20 and 10, so it doesn't concern me. My tics are minor and few and far between. I have developed a new vocal tic though, which is interesting. Once I go back to school, I think 15mg will be my ideal fit. My biggest concern with Paxil is that it is known to cause birth defects. I don't intend to have children for at least a few years still, but things happen. But considering that is my biggest concern, I think I'll stick with Paxil for awhile.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
4/24/12
2 years and one month ago I had a miscarriage. I was barely 16 years old.
I was almost 12 weeks along. I was just about to tell my boyfriend and my parents. But I didn't. I didn't have to. Because the baby was gone.
I decided to say he was a boy. I named him Isaac. Isaac Byrne. Sometimes, I pretend he's here. He would be 19 months old today. Happy Birthday, Darling!
I love children, but its exceedingly difficult to be around them, especially little boys around my dear baby's age. Sometimes, I cry when I see happy families with a little one.
I will never forget my Isaac, although it gets a little easier everyday.
And that is why I am pro-life. Because I didn't get to choose to have my beautiful baby boy, and I can't believe that anyone would give up that opportunity. But of course, there are extenuating circumstances, and I would never push to outlaw abortions. I just don't understand how someone could use it basically as a form of birth control.
R.I.P. Isaac Byrne. Mommy loves you so very much!
I was almost 12 weeks along. I was just about to tell my boyfriend and my parents. But I didn't. I didn't have to. Because the baby was gone.
I decided to say he was a boy. I named him Isaac. Isaac Byrne. Sometimes, I pretend he's here. He would be 19 months old today. Happy Birthday, Darling!
I love children, but its exceedingly difficult to be around them, especially little boys around my dear baby's age. Sometimes, I cry when I see happy families with a little one.
I will never forget my Isaac, although it gets a little easier everyday.
And that is why I am pro-life. Because I didn't get to choose to have my beautiful baby boy, and I can't believe that anyone would give up that opportunity. But of course, there are extenuating circumstances, and I would never push to outlaw abortions. I just don't understand how someone could use it basically as a form of birth control.
R.I.P. Isaac Byrne. Mommy loves you so very much!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
4/11/12
Today, we were discussing the effectiveness of therapies in Advanced Placement Psychology. Someone mentioned that they felt like medications were a mask, and that its ridiculous that people would take them even though they can make things worse. Personally, I think that this is total bull. Of course, I respect their opinion, but I definitely dont agree with it. Side effects from medications are rarely severe enough to outweigh the benefit of living a healthy life style. For example, prior to starting my medication, I was unable to drive, go out in public for extended periods of time, or hang out with my friends. I rarely went to a whole day of school, for crying out loud! All because of my panic attacks. And personally, I would rather be dependent on a pill that makes it possible for me to be a normally functioning human being than not be able to live my life to the fullest because of a dehibilitating panic disorder.
ERASE THE STIGMA.
ERASE THE STIGMA.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
4/8/12
Well, today was an awful day. And its Easter. Even better.
First off, I switched off of Zoloft two weeks ago. I was on 75 mg of that, now I take 20 mg of Paxil everyday to try to control my anxiety. So far it seems to be helping, which is great! The Zoloft did what it was supposed to, but made my tics a hundred times worse, which the Paxil doesnt seem to be doing. We'll see how that works out.
Yesterday, my friend was over. He's been having a rough time with life lately and is usually quite distraught. Of course, as a good friend, I get stressed out when he's upset, which makes my tics worse! He always gets very concerned when my tics become more frequent than usual, but he accused me of faking them to keep him from being upset. I understand where he got that idea but it still REALLY hurt that he would say such a thing.
On the plus side:
Today, my boyfriend told me he has tourette's and an anxiety disorder! That's usually not a good thing, but I'm sick of guys who just don't get how difficult it is to control.
First off, I switched off of Zoloft two weeks ago. I was on 75 mg of that, now I take 20 mg of Paxil everyday to try to control my anxiety. So far it seems to be helping, which is great! The Zoloft did what it was supposed to, but made my tics a hundred times worse, which the Paxil doesnt seem to be doing. We'll see how that works out.
Yesterday, my friend was over. He's been having a rough time with life lately and is usually quite distraught. Of course, as a good friend, I get stressed out when he's upset, which makes my tics worse! He always gets very concerned when my tics become more frequent than usual, but he accused me of faking them to keep him from being upset. I understand where he got that idea but it still REALLY hurt that he would say such a thing.
On the plus side:
Today, my boyfriend told me he has tourette's and an anxiety disorder! That's usually not a good thing, but I'm sick of guys who just don't get how difficult it is to control.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Difficulties of Teenage Life
Being a teen is hard when your brain functions normally. Its hell when you jerk your head in random directions and look like you're sneezing ever 20 seconds or so. As much as I love to inform people about the reality of Tourette's, its very stressful to explain it in terms of my existence. I've started to develop echolalia and palilalia, which makes me appear rude to people who dont realize I have TS. Another thing that people dont seem to often understand is that tics are painful and exhausting. Usually, before a tic, I feel a sensation almost like a burning in the muscle that is going to move. Other times, its a painful tension in those muscles. Occasionally, my tics will cause me to hit something, such as yesterday, when my head jerked back so hard I hit my head on the back of the chair I was sitting in. Thank the lord for tsa-usa.org! It makes me feel normal.
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